Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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