Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
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i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
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You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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