It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
