Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
