i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
