I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
