I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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