watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
