y did u give ur computer a hand job?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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