At least make sure they are 18
Why
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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