I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
