My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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