Don't make out with my wife yet
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
