Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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