I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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