i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
