You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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