just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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