she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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