John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
