Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
