I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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