Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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