He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
