Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
