Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
be right there i have to get my cape
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
