Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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