I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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