Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
