Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
