Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
