have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
