I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
