Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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