I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
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Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
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The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
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