my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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