The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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