shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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