omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
