just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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