And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
That reminds me...we need to get swords
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
