I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize