My hand turned me down
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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