if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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