So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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