u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
