she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
