don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
