Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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