is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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