a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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