your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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