i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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